To all men (geeks and non-geeks),

Please be aware that many women consider Friday, February 12th to be Valentine’s Day this year.  If you have a wife or girlfriend (or are actively trying to get one), you need to act quickly.  The “real” Valentines Day falls on Sunday, but I guarantee some women will be anxiously watching every delivery person that walks into work on Friday.

I know men hate VDay.  Yes, it is pretentious, insincere, commercialized and stupid.  To be honest, most women hate it too —  but, for different reasons.  Men feel the pressure to get the right gift, pick the right restaurant, and do all the right things.  Women experience a more profound pressure — to demonstrate they are loved.

Here’s how it works:  By nature, women compare themselves to every other woman.  Women develop their personal value based on some of these comparisons.  Every Valentines Day, a stream of delivery people come by the office with flowers, balloons and stuffed animals.  The lucky recipient is momentarily in the spotlight, glowing in the the jealousy of her coworkers and knowing that someone cares enough about her to make her feel so special.  As the day wears on, the women who don’t get any deliveries grow more bitter, especially if there is someone who should have cared enough to make her feel special.

Women will not admit they feel this way.  They may even say they do not like to receive flowers because it is a waste of money.  It’s only a waste if you do it too often.  There are three days a year that you should do it: 1) Valentines Day, 2) her birthday, and 3) your anniversary.  Once more if you just want to surprise her.  Other acceptable times include a new job or big promotion.  But, mix it up a little.  Sometimes a single rose with a really nice card is better than a dozen long stemmed red roses.  Surprise her by coming by with flowers in hand (be sure she has access to vase or large glass or that you have one in the car).

Sending flowers is not about spending money or doing something you “have to” do.  Sending flowers is about saying, “I want you to know I am thinking about you.”  It says, “I want you to be happy even when I’m not there with you.”  Most importantly, flowers on days like Valentines Day say, “I value you.”

So, if your special girl will be with coworkers or friends on Friday, but not Sunday, make sure she isn’t disappointed.  Show her she’s valued.   And no, I am not compensated by the florists in any way.

All women deserve to feel special on a day about love — commercialized or not. Feel free to email me with any comments or questions or comment below.  Happy Valentines Day!

Why do women need to talk so much when they are emotional?   There are plenty of books on the subject, but here’s a simple analogy.   When a woman is upset about something (maybe something you said, maybe something that happened at work, maybe about making a major life change, etc.), it is like she has a big picture puzzle to put together.   Her mind is the box full of all the loose pieces.  Each of those loose pieces is a thought or emotion. She needs to put the puzzle together to see the whole picture and feel relief.

The problem is that she needs a place to work on the puzzle. there isn’t room in her mind. She can toy with the pieces, flip them around in the box, maybe find a couple to go together, but there just isn’t enough room. So, she needs to empty all the pieces out to work on it.

Here’s where you come in. You can help her finish quickly (if you want it over with, listen up), or you can force her to keep the puzzle in the box where she’ll randomly go back and pick at the pieces and get more frustrated.   To help, all you have to do is listen, actively listen.  Ask questions, but do not do much of the puzzle.   As she starts pulling the pieces out, let her describe them.  Show interest, ask questions, but let her move the pieces around.   When she slows down, thoughtfully ask her if there are more “pieces” without diminishing the seriousness of what she has already said. In other words, do NOT ask, “Is that all?” or, “What else is bothering you?”  Instead, repeat what you have heard her say as a question. For example, “So, your boss didn’t give you credit for it in the meeting?” or, “You were too angry to talk to her about it, right?”  Once all the pieces are out, she’ll quickly put it together.  Then, just give her a hug, reassure her and find away to compliment something about her.

Remember to let her put it together. If you try to solve it, she won’t get the satisfaction of the accomplishment. How would you like it if you were putting together an ornate model of a ship and she came along and started gluing things together without reading the directions? You would want her to be interested and supportive, but not mess it up, right?

Have you ever wondered why most women tend to prefer cats over dogs?  I think it’s attitude. Cats are unpredictable: one minute they are snuggling and loving you, the next minute they don’t want you to touch them. Cats don’t always come when you call them.

Dogs on the other hand are always the same. They bombard you with affection when you first come home. You eventually have to order them, “Down!” We don’t like to refuse affection, but dogs force us to.

Cats are cool. They slowly walk over with attitude. They give us just enough affection, and then walk away. They make us want them.

They let us talk. They do not act inappropriately happy when we need to cry. They just sit there and quietly reassure us.

Cats control the relationship. That’s right – women do not want to control the relationship (most of the time), despite all the things we do to contradict that.

I agree too many women get too clingy and invasive. The trick is learning the root of it. In some cases, it is totally HER issue and, unless you are totally in love, you should make a clean break and RUN. She may need counseling to get over some deep-seeded insecurity or an emotionally abusive boyfriend. That’s not your job.

However, if a girl grows more jealous and insecure over time in the relationship, listen carefully to where it is coming from. Little things you do (intentionally or not) may be feeding into it. There are a few good tricks to make a woman feel more secure and independent in a relationship:

1) Tell her you care everyday. If you are in love, be sure to tell her that at least once a day – especially every time you leave her.

2) Make plans. If your girl knows well ahead of time that she is priority number one for all of Saturday night, she’ll ease up the other days. Always have the next “date” booked so she is not wondering if it is going to happen.

3) If you need time alone or with your guy friends, explain it to her in a non-threatenting way. “I really enjoy being with you. (pause) Sometimes I like hanging out with the guys. I miss just being crazy with them. Maybe we can plan that on __ day, you go out with your friends and have girl time while I hang out with the guys.” If she isn’t cool with it, she has issues.

Most geeks are introverts which means that they need alone time in order to recharge. I understand that now, but it’s a lesson women have to learn. If you need quiet alone time, explain that too her — in advance if possible. Never spring it on her when you are having problems in the relationship.

4) Pay attention to the little comments you make. Don’t try to make her jealous one minute and then ask why she is so insecure the next. For some reason, I’ve met a lot of men who do this. They think it’s cute to get a girl all worked up over nothing. Then, when she clings, he doesn’t see the connection. Tell her often that you are not interested in anyone else. Women need to hear those things more than men do.

Well, we don’t actually care that much about the car, but we care about the image your car gives you.  Last weekend I had lunch with my 21 year-old female cousin.  She’s fresh out of college and living the fun single life.  As we discussed her ideal man, she pulled out her cell phone to show me some pictures.  The first one was a hot guy with no shirt in front of a slick red sports car.  My response was, “Oh, you like bad boys.”  She swore up and down she did not.  But, as we talked more, she confirmed my theory that women like the image of a bad boy.  He’s the alpha male, the knight in shining armor (hmmm, maybe a silver Porsche… or a red classic mustang), the James Dean, Hugh Jackman or whomever the sexiest man is this year.

When I met my husband, he drove a practical, older car that had been passed onto him by family.  It was okay, reasonably clean, no major body damage.  But, it was small, had that old car smell and velour seats.  Nothing sexy about that.  I was thrilled when it finally broke down and he bought a sporty SUV.  It was still practical like him, but it felt bigger, stronger, and a bit macho. 

It’s not that we want a guy who is constantly into his car.  (However, it is sexy to watch the right guy bare-chested and greasy fixing something under the hood once in awhile.)  Women want men to look good for them and their friends.  Your car is an extension of your image, your brand.  What does your image say about you?  Are you the tried and true (and boring) as toothpaste type?  Sporty and athletic like fine outdoor equipment?   Or, intriguing and sensual like a sleek roadster on the Autobahn? 

When I was conducting branding meetings for executives, I’d flash some big brands during the presentation and ask which ones they admire.  At one company, the executives wanted to be innovative and cool like Apple.  We ditched the outdated logo and stiff grey and black literature and replaced them with brilliant, reflecting greens and blues.  It worked.  Another company wanted to focus on reputation and trust.  We got tossed out complicated technical graphics and screenshots and introduced a friendly, solid mascot.  Simple. 

Think about who you are and/or who you want to be.  For many practical guys, this is a challenge.  I know you are thinking: “I don’t want a shallow woman.  I’m practical.  A car if for getting me one place to another. I’m not going to buy a car to impress a woman.”  Ok, so find that one unique woman who doesn’t care, but look around and see which guys are getting the hot girls.  Then, look at what kinds of cars they are driving.  Most of the time, women don’t even know that they care about your car.  Women just see you as the whole package and your brand is the first thing they see.

If you are one of those guys who has trouble seeing the characteristics of a brand, here are some shortcuts for cars and what they may say about you:

• A big truck (Ford or Chevy) – “I’m an American, don’t mess with me.  I’m tough, a republic and not open to new ideas.”
• A big Toyota truck – “I work hard.  I want people to think I’m strong and I don’t mind getting dirty.  I’m a bit of a jerk at times, but I help friends move.”
• SUV – “I play outside.  I’m strong.  I have room for friends and I may be open to having kids some day.”
• Prius or other Hybrid/Electric car – “I like the environment and I want everyone to know. I’m smarter than you.”
• Corvette, Porsche – “I’ve made it and I NEED everyone to know.  I’m having a midlife crisis but I have Viagra.  Possessions are important to me.  I’m hot, right?”
• Sedan (over 10 years old) – “I don’t let go of things, I’m only comfortable when I am safe, I’m a loser.”
• Standard newer Corolla, Civic, etc small car – “I’m economical and simple (minded).”
• Standard, new, larger sedan, like Taurus, Camry, Accord – “I’m a little above average.  I’m safe and not very exciting.  I blend in.”
• Old Civic, Corolla, etc – “I’m cheap, don’t have much money and do not like to try new things.”
• Minivan – “I have kids and an ex-wife.”
• Bentley, Rolls – “Snob.”
• Hummer – “I’m an asshole, I don’t mind killing things, and I bet you want me.”
• A luxury car like Cadillac, Lexus – “I’ve made it, I’m smart and educated, but I’m not too exciting.  I want respect and I like to keep it clean.”
• A BMW, Audi or Mercedes – “I’m successful (or at least want you to think so) and not overly practical.  I like nice things and enjoying like.  Just be sure to wipe your feet when you get in. ”
• Motorcycle – “I like being single and alone.”

Getting some ideas here?  There are obviously variations, especially as you select the age of the car and the color.  Leather seats are always good.  The smell of leather is very appealing.

Don’t forget to keep your car right inside too.  Keep the trash out.  Women will likely poke around and peek in glove boxes and ash trays.  Think about what those places say about you.  Gum is good, condoms are bad.  Evidence of nerdiness (D&D guides, coding textbooks, comic books, etc.) should be well concealed.  Maps and GPS systems show you are willing to take help.  Anything related to an ex-girlfriends is strictly prohibited (no pictures, silly stuffed animals, etc.).  If you need a brand makeover, consult a female friend for advice.  Be careful of the hot car saleswoman though.  You really don’t look good in that overpriced hotrod.

With the book coming out soon, it’s time to consolidate all my blogs in one place.  I love feedback, so please feel free to tell me any thoughts you have.  Enjoy!